Party of 5

We were not planning to have another baby. Well, my husband was planning on it, but not me. I told him years ago that he better be praying about it because I thought our family was complete. He always says I am a very powerful prayer, but obviously he was. We found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child in the late winter of 2014.

It took me awhile to get used to the idea. Our girls were 5 and 8 and we were able to go and do as we pleased. I had high hopes to become an assistant principal. I knew that deep down having another child would not make that goal easy. I had loved every minute of being pregnant with the girls but something was different about this pregnancy. I was sick from the beginning. Not with nausea like I had with the girls, but horrible headaches and back pain. I was not a happy camper and my husband often questioned if I was excited to be having another baby. Of course I said "Yes" but I felt pretty miserable most of the time.

At the same time as my pregnancy was lots of drama at work. I don't do drama very well. I am a teacher and I love it with my whole heart. My mantra is " Right is right, and wrong is wrong." PERIOD. I believe that this should always apply to working with kids. I am all about giving grace and mercy and second chances. However, I believe that adults who raise kids and work with kids need to put those kids first and their issues second. If we stopped asking  kids to put up with adults stupidity then we would help put an end to all the troubled children that are in our society. They are screwed up because adults screw them up. Sorry, that's my soapbox moment. Anyway the kids I taught were put in a difficult situation that was not handled very well in my opinion. It affected me greatly. It made me bitter, negative, and judgmental. Or actually I let the situation do that to me. Looking back, God was calling me to be the bigger person and show grace. But I responded so badly. It left me very jaded for a long period of time and I believe that that ugliness in my heart helped to trigger my illness.

           
It was just such a yucky time that should have been so joyous.  I hate that it was that way but many lessons were learned from it. I am a planner and this third child was not in my plan. I claimed to walk with God but didn't want him to guide my path. His way is always so much better but at that time I don't think I believed it.  Basically, I let my head and heart be consumed with things that were not in my control. I pray that I will never have that ugliness in my heart again.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32  

What a Difference a Year Makes

I have been struggling with writing about my illness for many months. I have felt led from God for some time to share my thoughts on it, but not being a strong writer, time, etc. has kept me from it. Now I am in a place that if I don't write it down soon I am going to forget the details of it, the miracle of God's hand in it all, the incredible sacrifices my family and friends made for the months I was wheel chair bound, and just the awe that came from being so very sick to being healed completely.
This is my story of my bought with Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy, or CIPD. It is an extremely rare autoimmune nerve disorder that basically left me paralyzed. Last July was probably the lowest point of my life. I had been sick for almost two months but no doctor had been able to properly diagnosis me yet. I'm choosing to look back on those times now for myself and for  my kids. I know we will all need to remember that life can be so very hard at times but God is always with you and will heal our hurts in HIS time.

God has not only healed my body but my mind as well. I was a chronic worrier and control freak prior to my sickness. I'm not saying that I am completely free of those struggles but I am a lot better. I have no idea what my future holds, I know that a relapse will probably be in it. But I cling to the hope that only God can give.

" She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. "

Proverbs 31:25